27 Club

I managed to convince myself that the nicest thing for me to do for Him was to bow out of the complicated mess of a relationship gracefully. So I told him I had met someone new I wanted to start fresh I didn't want baggage I loved him I wished one day he would be happy to delete my number...bullshit to make it hurt less.

And it worked for 2 weeks I was busy. Then I picked this book from the library and I had the mad urge to ring him and recommend it. The book is about an awkward sensitive wallflower type guy who has a fascination with The Smiths and in particular 'Asleep'.

Only I had deleted his number. I felt so sad because He is the only one I know who would appreciate the context of the story because he always felt like an outsider. What made me more sad was the fact I couldn't manage to keep each other as 'just friends' we fancied each other way too much not to start getting hurt if we saw other people, therefore even if I did keep his number I wouldn't have been able to tell him.

That same evening I get a call from his best friend apparently they were gonna be in Shoreditch if I wanted to hang. Pathetic I know but I found it cute he couldn't just tell me himself he wanted to see me. I agree to see them but mainly because I want him to read the book and...I do miss him. His cute morning shorts, his cheeky grin, his hairspray hair that badly needs a cut, his cute bum, the way his aftershave/perfume? (I don't know what guys wear?!) lingers on me long after he's gone, I miss his kisses and enquiring after his band practice every Sunday.

Even when we lie to one another to keep ourselves apart We can't keep away. This time it's different we talk whilst he is sober and I don't let him kiss me, I'm adamant I won't be a whim/weak moment for him to later regret. I manage to get to the root of the main problem, and this is quickly followed by more. He is really messed up and all I want to do is hug him and reassure him everything is gonna be OK.

Only its not going to be OK.

He's let ideas and routines become a permanant fixture in his life & I know I'm not gonna be able to change them. He sees me as a threat. He sees me as something he craves.That is what is causing his erratic behaviour.

The real problem is I don't see anyone else past Him in my life.

x

Snakes & Ladders

The Knight rings and I drop everything to go see him. I should hate him but he looks so happy to see me my plan to shout at him for being an idiot slips my mind, quietly.

He's so pathetically inebriated there's nothing I can do but grasp his hand and laugh at his silly attempts to kiss every part of my face. We go somewhere quiet to talk his words are the same they are getting old I'm begining to get exasperated with the situation.Sorry is becoming a theme in the conversation. His words don't mean anything to me, his actions on the other hand tell me everything he is mixed up he changes his mind All the time, he does miss me or else he wouldn't have cracked and called me first. But he also knows he can't hold on to me forever.

I ask him if it is the drugs he neither confirms nor denies anything,I don't know what to think anymore. I want everything laid out to me in simple terms so the next time round I can excuse his shitty behaviour and there will be a reasonable explanation.

I don't know why I expected to be with a 'normal' person, I'm far from that myself.

We inevitably end up at his place, I love his room he has a dead plant that he has decorated with lights and kept because he felt guilty of killing it. It's all white and tidy the total opposite to what my bedroom is like. We always joke I'm only with him for his giant t.v because I havent seen any since January. It's one of the reasons.

I torment him in the worst way with what could have been happening if he hadn't decided to call it quits. "Your evil" no your an idiot and deserve everything your going through "You think it's going to be easy? you turn up and I'm going to be like 'Lets go to bed' Not that simple. I'm just giving you a little something to think about next time you want to even consider putting me last."

He's more Mine than he thinks he is

x

Ambush

pil·lage
v. pil·laged, pil·lag·ing, pil·lag·es
v.tr.
1. To rob of goods by force, especially in time of war; plunder.
2. To take as spoils.
v.intr.
To take spoils by force.

He strolls down the road towards me like we had arranged the meeting. No

"Isn't this a weird coincidence?" No

It's 2 o'clock in the morning, I'm walking back from a particularly heavy night at the studio practicing. I stink and want to desperatly crash in my Own bed.

I wish he would stop pillaging my mouth, I wish he would stop stroking my skin, I wish I had the courage to push him off. I hate this. I'm shrinking away to avoid him.

I know he's been waiting for me to walk down this street, because I know that he knows exactly what I do on a Thursday. So why lie.

"Your a pretty girl he likes you, what do you expect? Don't be coy don't act like you don't know."

He playfully bites my thigh like he knows me intimatly. He doesn't.

I push him and I can see the hurt reflected back from my own eyes.

Next time will be different, next time I'll walk the long way home.

x

Oh Dear!

I've been so wrapped up in my own life I hadn't had the chance to look around and realise I've unintentionally made enemies.

How Very.

x

Giraffe

He let me go because he hated dissapointing me.




The next day I was as right as rain, I went to band practice and exhausted myself mentally. A was having issues with her boyfriend who happens to be a goon like Swiss Suit with the emotional apptitude of a 3year old, we met him in Angel at a posh party, extracted his keys and made a hasty exit to Liverpool Street. A goes home to pack I go to the Bagel shop on Brick Lane dragging my feet and half asleep, It is past midnight & I have been working since 10am.

Theres a guy in the queue before me He likes my boots, I like his badge, He gives me his badge, I refrain from passing my boots over. He asks me what I have been up to I tell him, his friend comes in and interrupts.

"Jennifer is coming round, we are going to get wine and paint"

Instantly I'm intrigued "Can I come?"

"Sure" We catch the bus to Soho.

I hope they aren't murderers.He picks up a canvas shaped peice of styrofoam from a pile of rubbish. Jennifer is a pretty transvestite, understated pretty floral dress and brown gladiater sandals,6 foot tall with a wide jaw frame. We pile into their living room Concentrated Tequila comes out and some weed (which I decline like a dork) They put on music and we begin to splatter, smear, scrape into the foam, layer upon layer. It is so therapuetic I'm enjoying myself more than I have in a long time.

I draw a heart with black ink, colour it in and demand nobody disturbs it. The guys happily oblige, sensing the subtle threat laced under my words.

"Its time now for it to take form"

They start drawing ontop of the blur, hexagons. From that a neck, face, ears. It's a giraffe! and in the corner 3 gauged out red holes bleeding black ink.

I frickin love it.

I don't understand it but I love it. They take pictures using bright flashing lights, Jennifer and Geranimo exit the room I'm left with Him this is the awkward part. All night his eyes have been following me around the room, we start to kiss and I begin to feel I don't actually have anything left to give, I'm all empty and on breaking point. I'm scared stiff of hurting either one of us but mainly myself. I try to explain this to Him, he doesn't understand he only knows what he needs right then and there. And I explain I only came for the art.

"Why don't you just go with it?"
I did the last time & look where that got me
He settles for holding me and raining me with kisses while I sleep.

x