Homeless

I'm having Fun!

x

Misogynist

mi·sog·y·nist (m-sj-nst)
n.
One who hates women.
adj.
Of or characterized by a hatred of women

He claims girls in bands are shit they are only there to be sexy, my face goes red and I shout like a woman possesed Im listing Women in bands that are brilliant musicians "What about Siousxie?" "Souk-sies good I like her" "Fuck you! you can't even pronounce her name" Dumb Americans...

Theres a well known band from LA we party in their hotel we make a big mess drink lots of drink play highschool games makeout like teenagers get put on a festival guestlist troop home in the early hours. Work all day. I'm exhausted.

Being an out of action musician sucks



x

Played

It is so much fun playing a Player.

He is cute but I'm slightly numb of feelings at the present moment of time, being jerked around emotionally has put me into autopilot flirt mode...I'm going through the motions, I'm smiling and dancing suggestively. Sitting on his lap accepting his drink coyly 'For me? Oh you shouldn't have.'

I so badly want to laugh at the girl I am play acting as, he is seriously pulling out the stops and actually believes I am a bimbo... despite the indepth conversation I just had with his friend about Joy Division and the fact I talked guitar pedals and vocal effects with the Ace guy from Bo Ningen. I'm bored so I add an 'er' to every one of his compliments Just to see if he notices.

'Your so cute'
'Oh but Your so much cute-errr!'

'Why would I want to talk about your friends tatoos when its You I'm interested in?'
'Oh I'm much more interestede-errr in you!'

'I really like you a lot'
'I like you a lott-err!'

His friend takes him aside and gives him a pep talk which I can fully hear...believe me when I tell you it is the single most lame 'getting laid' talk I've ever heard.
We kiss...well he attacks my face to which I politey extract my face in pretense of retreiving his fallen hat I was previously wearing.

'Lets go Alibi'

I turn to my friend who is incredibly good to me and is always there to make sure nobody takes advantage of me. She shakes her head no 'Don't leave me here by myself' I wouldn't dream of doing anything of the sort she looks worried like I'm actually condsidering ditching her and I feel bad. My acting is getting better. 'He's not cool don't do it'

I turn and place his hat back on his head pat his cheek and tell him 'My friend doesn't like you and I think your a tosser.' We walk away and dance the last few hours away whilst he looks moody and tries to grasp hold of passing girls bottoms.

Good friends are hard to find and definatly not worth passing over for rotten guys.
x

27 Club

I managed to convince myself that the nicest thing for me to do for Him was to bow out of the complicated mess of a relationship gracefully. So I told him I had met someone new I wanted to start fresh I didn't want baggage I loved him I wished one day he would be happy to delete my number...bullshit to make it hurt less.

And it worked for 2 weeks I was busy. Then I picked this book from the library and I had the mad urge to ring him and recommend it. The book is about an awkward sensitive wallflower type guy who has a fascination with The Smiths and in particular 'Asleep'.

Only I had deleted his number. I felt so sad because He is the only one I know who would appreciate the context of the story because he always felt like an outsider. What made me more sad was the fact I couldn't manage to keep each other as 'just friends' we fancied each other way too much not to start getting hurt if we saw other people, therefore even if I did keep his number I wouldn't have been able to tell him.

That same evening I get a call from his best friend apparently they were gonna be in Shoreditch if I wanted to hang. Pathetic I know but I found it cute he couldn't just tell me himself he wanted to see me. I agree to see them but mainly because I want him to read the book and...I do miss him. His cute morning shorts, his cheeky grin, his hairspray hair that badly needs a cut, his cute bum, the way his aftershave/perfume? (I don't know what guys wear?!) lingers on me long after he's gone, I miss his kisses and enquiring after his band practice every Sunday.

Even when we lie to one another to keep ourselves apart We can't keep away. This time it's different we talk whilst he is sober and I don't let him kiss me, I'm adamant I won't be a whim/weak moment for him to later regret. I manage to get to the root of the main problem, and this is quickly followed by more. He is really messed up and all I want to do is hug him and reassure him everything is gonna be OK.

Only its not going to be OK.

He's let ideas and routines become a permanant fixture in his life & I know I'm not gonna be able to change them. He sees me as a threat. He sees me as something he craves.That is what is causing his erratic behaviour.

The real problem is I don't see anyone else past Him in my life.

x

Snakes & Ladders

The Knight rings and I drop everything to go see him. I should hate him but he looks so happy to see me my plan to shout at him for being an idiot slips my mind, quietly.

He's so pathetically inebriated there's nothing I can do but grasp his hand and laugh at his silly attempts to kiss every part of my face. We go somewhere quiet to talk his words are the same they are getting old I'm begining to get exasperated with the situation.Sorry is becoming a theme in the conversation. His words don't mean anything to me, his actions on the other hand tell me everything he is mixed up he changes his mind All the time, he does miss me or else he wouldn't have cracked and called me first. But he also knows he can't hold on to me forever.

I ask him if it is the drugs he neither confirms nor denies anything,I don't know what to think anymore. I want everything laid out to me in simple terms so the next time round I can excuse his shitty behaviour and there will be a reasonable explanation.

I don't know why I expected to be with a 'normal' person, I'm far from that myself.

We inevitably end up at his place, I love his room he has a dead plant that he has decorated with lights and kept because he felt guilty of killing it. It's all white and tidy the total opposite to what my bedroom is like. We always joke I'm only with him for his giant t.v because I havent seen any since January. It's one of the reasons.

I torment him in the worst way with what could have been happening if he hadn't decided to call it quits. "Your evil" no your an idiot and deserve everything your going through "You think it's going to be easy? you turn up and I'm going to be like 'Lets go to bed' Not that simple. I'm just giving you a little something to think about next time you want to even consider putting me last."

He's more Mine than he thinks he is

x

Ambush

pil·lage
v. pil·laged, pil·lag·ing, pil·lag·es
v.tr.
1. To rob of goods by force, especially in time of war; plunder.
2. To take as spoils.
v.intr.
To take spoils by force.

He strolls down the road towards me like we had arranged the meeting. No

"Isn't this a weird coincidence?" No

It's 2 o'clock in the morning, I'm walking back from a particularly heavy night at the studio practicing. I stink and want to desperatly crash in my Own bed.

I wish he would stop pillaging my mouth, I wish he would stop stroking my skin, I wish I had the courage to push him off. I hate this. I'm shrinking away to avoid him.

I know he's been waiting for me to walk down this street, because I know that he knows exactly what I do on a Thursday. So why lie.

"Your a pretty girl he likes you, what do you expect? Don't be coy don't act like you don't know."

He playfully bites my thigh like he knows me intimatly. He doesn't.

I push him and I can see the hurt reflected back from my own eyes.

Next time will be different, next time I'll walk the long way home.

x

Oh Dear!

I've been so wrapped up in my own life I hadn't had the chance to look around and realise I've unintentionally made enemies.

How Very.

x

Giraffe

He let me go because he hated dissapointing me.




The next day I was as right as rain, I went to band practice and exhausted myself mentally. A was having issues with her boyfriend who happens to be a goon like Swiss Suit with the emotional apptitude of a 3year old, we met him in Angel at a posh party, extracted his keys and made a hasty exit to Liverpool Street. A goes home to pack I go to the Bagel shop on Brick Lane dragging my feet and half asleep, It is past midnight & I have been working since 10am.

Theres a guy in the queue before me He likes my boots, I like his badge, He gives me his badge, I refrain from passing my boots over. He asks me what I have been up to I tell him, his friend comes in and interrupts.

"Jennifer is coming round, we are going to get wine and paint"

Instantly I'm intrigued "Can I come?"

"Sure" We catch the bus to Soho.

I hope they aren't murderers.He picks up a canvas shaped peice of styrofoam from a pile of rubbish. Jennifer is a pretty transvestite, understated pretty floral dress and brown gladiater sandals,6 foot tall with a wide jaw frame. We pile into their living room Concentrated Tequila comes out and some weed (which I decline like a dork) They put on music and we begin to splatter, smear, scrape into the foam, layer upon layer. It is so therapuetic I'm enjoying myself more than I have in a long time.

I draw a heart with black ink, colour it in and demand nobody disturbs it. The guys happily oblige, sensing the subtle threat laced under my words.

"Its time now for it to take form"

They start drawing ontop of the blur, hexagons. From that a neck, face, ears. It's a giraffe! and in the corner 3 gauged out red holes bleeding black ink.

I frickin love it.

I don't understand it but I love it. They take pictures using bright flashing lights, Jennifer and Geranimo exit the room I'm left with Him this is the awkward part. All night his eyes have been following me around the room, we start to kiss and I begin to feel I don't actually have anything left to give, I'm all empty and on breaking point. I'm scared stiff of hurting either one of us but mainly myself. I try to explain this to Him, he doesn't understand he only knows what he needs right then and there. And I explain I only came for the art.

"Why don't you just go with it?"
I did the last time & look where that got me
He settles for holding me and raining me with kisses while I sleep.

x

You Ultimatly Die Alone

These are his favourite things in order of preference:

1.Drugs and Music. (equal to one another)
2.Johnny. (the supplier of drugs and fellow musician who will Never let him down)
3.Taz. (the fool that puts up with his antics.)
4.Sleep. (I take extreme pleasure in disrupting this)

It's hard being third in line when the crap beforehand are timewasting fuckups and maybe thats what I am for him too but I care about him so much I can't stand being apart I'll take any time together he offers even though I know I can do and deserve so much better I don't want it, I've never done 'normal' He lives in rainy black clouds & I search for the gold at the end of the rainbow. He is fascinated by my naivity and I laugh at his cynicism. I live in the now thats what he fails to understand, I don't want Forever just the memories.

hey! at least I don't come after sleep...
x

"Pretty Girls Make Graves"

Oh Dear you don't know the half of it.
I'm not the girl you think I am.

I want to hear your songs Oh So very bad, only because you insist on perfection or nothing else will ever do. And its scary to think what you will do to yourself if the latter.

I know I will hate your songs, only because they will be contrived cliches nothing that hasn't been said before by a better man.

BUT I will smile and kiss you gratefully anyway like the phoney I am because like I've told you many times before

I could never ever hurt you.
x

Happiness

for so long its alluded me and now I feel like nothing could bring me down.
It feels like I'm walking around constantly high, everything is in a soft haze and I want to skip everywhere.
I'm so giddy. The sun shines away and I think this summer is going to stay in my memory forever. I'm quite a positive person but now I'm off the richter insanely annoyingly chipper.
Every song on the radio is for us every word is treasured every memory is etched.
Forever.

x

"You are All Over my Mind"

Love.Love.Love.

Abandon

Cigerette Kisses

secret smiles

x

The Knight

"You have to get back out there he really likes you and wants to buy you a drink!"
This one was pre-approved by my friend A in the toilets of The Old Blue Last just as I put the phone down on a dissagreement with The Joy.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It was the most perfect night after what was becoming a situation that was going downhill fast. Everyone else & their petty issues melted away when he arrived by my side. We sat in the night and talked. He paced & I listened.

He told me how nervous he was of ruining everything and saying something stupid. He told me I was beautiful and that he knew I was different to other girls as soon as I started talking. He said I could have any guy if I wanted and couldn't understand why I was with him. He told me he had been searching forever for a girl that he could hold an interesting conversation with and understand him. He told me how refreshing it was to meet someone who was passionate about music and still naive about the business. He said I was charming. He talked about how inadequate he felt writing lyrics when he knew songs like Morrisey's existed. He told me he was going to be thinking about me all week & he thanked me.

& I listened. I don't think he realised how much of an impression he had made on me, instead he took my guitar case and led me home.

His words were stripped of pretense-desire & I will treasure them forever.

x

Liberation for Women

...thats what I preach.

Stranglers, a decent punk band. Good line. Obviously used in a different context to theirs, nevertheless I mean it when I say I admire strong women.

But Oh my gosh they can be a wicked bunch of hags, trodding over each other to get what they want, using sly comments to maim, putting one another down. For what reason I can Not quite fathom. Don't really partake in this pastime myself.Promising the world but never delivering.Why would you do that? It's a waste of everyones time.
This week I have witnessed the most horrendous female treatment to myself and others I want to hang my own head in shame for our gender.

It's a pity I love helping people that need me, it gives me a sense of enormous wellbeing...but now I feel my genorosity is being taken the piss out of. It was Liberating to walk away, to know I now have only myself to rely on & I can never fail myself its just not an option.

x

Nothing.

"What do you do?" He asked me politely.

"Nothing." I replied in a guilty manner like I'd been caught out doing something naughty.

"Nothing? You must do something"
I wish I knew what that something was...

"Im kinda waiting on my sisters so I can get my band started again."

My response was without thinking but it pretty much summed up how I've been feeling since moving to London in terms of productivity. Nothing.

Visual terms: No man's land complete with omnious mist, crates and barbed wire. Like stumbling around with no idea of what to expect and occasionally tripping over insignificant foreign objects just to get up & start again.

x

Klass

"Get it, man... Nobody in our class protects Joosep"

The Estonian drama centres around Joosep and Kaspar, two average school kids under threat from vicious class bullies. The pair decide to unite against their tormentors, with bloody and shocking results.

Just watched this movie, it kinda shocked me. I wonder what I would do in this situation, there's a scene where after bullies have stolen his expensive trainers he has to explain to his teacher why he is shoeless, he lies and says the brand didn't suit him. Joosep then cuts the Le Coq Sportif cockerel off his shirt and claims "I am not a label, now everyone can see me for what I really am. Joosep."

It really bought home the impact a brand can have in terms of making you acceptable in your social group, like a shield protecting you or adding layers to our personalities.

I sometimes feel a Deviant when walking around Knightsbridge with my giant metallic font Fred Perry bag like a 'f*** you! yes I may have to wear a knee length skirt but that doesn't mean I'll wear a £5,000 Mulberry bag to fit in with you Fu**tards.'

Some ladies physically shy away from me bodies turning concave so as not to catch my insanity, its quite funny to experience the repulsion. Good Times.

x

Abort! Abort!

screams the annoying little f*** in my head.

Working in retail is like handing over your brain at security just to get a key for a locker to put your bag in and then to stand on hours like a zombie on a shopfloor looking pretty. Just to be told by tourists "you look pretty" No fu**ing shit Sherlock!!! Arghhhhhhhhh! what a waste of life.

I keep him at arms length even though his demands are increasing. I'd do anything not to become attatched even though that's all he wants.He knows eveything but my name and I'm not giving that away until he gives me something he's thought about, thoroughly.

I love music but I can't seem to see it ever falling into place for me, all I can do is try my hardest and hope for the best. But sometimes that is not enough. I think I'm going to be okay though, eitherway

Here's for trying.

x

House of Dolls

I ordered this book into Bethnal Green Library specially and picked it up today. I am halfway through it and already it is the best book I have read in a very long time. The words used for the imagery and emotions make the story almost tangible, I am engrossed and plan to go on reading all night.

'the Germans would lay off the shops for at least a little while.
And what does one crave above all? -a little while.
One more breath, and you might be liberated.'

x

RIP Malcolm McLaren

NOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

He was the Brains behind the beauty of Punk
The embodiment of the great Fuck You to society
He thought past what was exceptable and turned it on its head so we could all get a better view.
At the forefront of fashion and music.
A visionary.Maverick.Genius.

My role model. Its a sad day for music.

x

ADHD

Your score is 80 (out of 90).

This questionnaire, though not a substitute for a clinical evaluation, is designed to help you recognize if you may have symptoms of ADD and would benefit from further assessment by a physician or mental health professional.
The answers you provided are consistent with many symptoms of Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD or ADHD). However this is just a screening and is not meant to be a diagnosis. You should contact a competent Psychiatrist, Psychologist or other mental health professional for a comprehensive evaluation.

I understand everything now

getting told off for not being able to sit still
Talking over people/interrupting them midsentance
Forgetting to finish off a task/ being easily distracted
Feeling constantly restless/not being able to stay in a situation for too long.
Zoning out when people talk to me...

if A hadn't mentioned it I would never have known why I act slightly odd and always felt disconnected from everyone.

I feel so much better knowing I'm not a freak.

x

Insensitivity and Increasing. Fast.

adj.
1. Not physically sensitive; numb.
2.
a. Lacking in sensitivity to the feelings or circumstances of others; unfeeling.
b. Lacking in responsiveness: insensitive to the needs of the customers.


I used to label it 'Punk' but last night after seriously upsetting people and not being able to understand why, I realise I just don't care.

I stopped caring a long time ago, something snapped and I switched it off when I realised nobody actually really cares if Your hurting, you just get on with it and move on. And thats the crucial part. It's safer to be able to walk away intact with a shrug and a laquered smile, and say I didn't care anyway.

Theres a greek saying that it's the people with the perfect exterior that have the biggest storm brewing inside. They have more to hide.

x

Clarity

n.
1. Clearness of appearance: the clarity of the mountain air.
2. Clearness of thought or style; lucidity: writes with clarity and perception.

I got Bored. Again. So chucked them all away.
Some went willingly the other put up a fight "That sucks I really wanted to get to know you if you can fit me into your schedule is someone telling you to say this what are you doing in April will you let me know if you change your mind"

I did blame it on the creative process of Music, its All consuming and All i'm passionate about. But honestly I really can't stand myself when I treat them like shit,I'm a real Jekyll and Hyde character and if I can't play nicely I shouldn't play at all.

It's stupid of me to assume I can play act out a 'normal' relationship.

x

"Screw you too Doll"

He sneered

Oh No its all going wrong.
The Joy and I ended up in Shoreditch waiting for a bus in the early hours of the morning, drunk on absinth and strawberry cocktails.
"I think your Fine. Y'know like in the 50's sense" This for some reason did't go down to well with me. Fine is on par to Good or Nice.
"Well I think your cute in the fact that you think your the only one right now." His face clouded and we escalated into a blazing row, arms waving voices raised the full works.
I finally storm off like a petulant child crossing the road in my usual eyes closed I-have-a-deathwish type manner. And he comes running after me drags me into an island in the middle of the road and up against rails.
Its a mixture of pleasure and pain as my face stings from where his stubble has scratched, leaving an imprint hours later.
"What are you doing?"
"Keeping you from getting run over."
"But theres no cars"
"Ok then persuading you to stay"
I tell him I'm fine and he calls me strange because that's how it all started.
"Screw you" I walk. I do this on my terms and when I want.
Everything is so messed up right now.

x

Dark Humour

One is for Money.
Two for the Joy
Three?

...well Three is claiming what is rightfully yours.

He is so eager and I am so willing.

I think I'm going to like it here in London town.

I've never been so busy

x

The Date

Does he know he's the fallback guy?
That everything I shall say will be a lie.
That torture seems easier than asking the Other the inevitable.
And assuming what the answer will be,
I'll fallback on the other guy.

x

"I'm So Over Guys Who Don't Know We Exist."

She said in contempt.



Friday was the kind of night it takes two days to recover from and still I'm nauseated and getting flashbacks of horrific incidents. From The Sun to a club in Aldgate to a mission to find a open KFC (or even PFC) to crashing in my friends bed to breakfast on bricklane, I managed to create a night full of regrets and incidents I'll never forget. I thought I left the wild nights behind in Manchester, but evidently not. Maybe it's what I'm good at...Entertaining the masses!

I'm so Bo-Ored with Lukewarm gigs and Alcoholic fuelled nights I'm afraid it's going to become my reality and not my meanwhile.

I have random numbers saved on my phone, I reffered to myself as Jim ? I danced to F****ng annoying electro music stupidly shouting "Whens the lyrics gonna kick in?" I arranged a date with a guy my friend likes (biiig no No) hence the blog title. And

Why why why does it seem like the best idea in the world to ring up people when you are drunk? Major grovelling was to be done the next day.

I'm so sorry. But we're Cool right?

x

To be Blunt.

blunt 
1. having an obtuse, thick, or dull edge or point; rounded; not sharp: a blunt pencil.
2. abrupt in address or manner: a blunt, ill-timed question.
3. slow in perception or understanding; obtuse: His isolation has made him blunt about the feelings of others.

Here in London people like to say what they feel I was in a pharmacist in Bethnal Green and I asked for some perfume, the girl behind the till blurts out like she has tourettes

"Oh my God it's just your so Cute and Pretty."
How on earth do you respond to that?
Walking through Westfields a girl steps in my path and shouts "I like your style"
Odd.
"Your hair is gorgeous, is it real." to which I tug it."Oh I thought it was a wig from Topshop" Topshop?

Nervous laughter followed by a "Awwww thank you" is now my response.
I'm not used to people being so verbal with their thoughts.
Still I appreciate it while it lasts.

x

The Pedestal

Last night I truely enjoyed a night out in London, I was reunited with my old friend R, mingled with Posers at Off Modern a La Elephant and Castle, met a Marxist, nearly got dragged down in a Scenester filled mosh pit watching Bo Ningen; who I thought were a bunch of Psychadelic Anarchists Brilliant! despite the hype I liked them.

Watched digital Art on a comfy sofa whilst mildly drunk on huge wide screen. Trippy.

I was so ecstatic in finally meeting up with R I didn't give a Flying F*** about the Posers.I would have been happy wherever he took me. He makes me laugh such a nutjob apologising for the space in a club. It's a shame about the Pedestal I'm on...we are still the same goofy kids bonding over The Cramps and The Cure I'm still the weird girl with the wild hair, boots and short skirt, just wiser. I still want him as my own but I don't think he'll ever outgrow his akwardness. Shame.

x

The Perspective

They swarmed accross the shop floor in a silent dignity at the quietest hour of my night. I stopped my work in awe, a New sight!
My raison d'etre. The reason I carry on, despite the irratating boredom that continues to pursue me wherever I go.

She had a face peice, a metal structure that obscures her features in a bizzare fashion.I admit I was slightly scared, she reminded me of Hannibal Lector. Am I allowed to talk to her? I stood as far away as I could, observing her

"Do you have anymore of these?" She asks in a deep accent about some Scrunchies I had laid out.
"Only in the polka dots" I reply quickly.
"I only like dark colours" She dismisses in a derisive manner.

Already, I like her.

She builds a pile on my desk, I hear her maids laughing they don't realise I understand a little Arabic (and read it fluently) they mention the words 'marked body' and 'non-believer' They find me Amusing. my tatoo's my make-up, my build the fact I have no faith in any God. I suddenly get a fresh perspective of what I appear to be like to other people. I am pleased with the outcome.

She smiles vaguely at her own private joke then turns and orders me to try on a headpeice, I oblige willingly,explaining my actions carefully. She looks to her servants and comments in her own language; she likes my hair, a flash of envy, then abruptly walks away from me whilst i'm mid sentance. Drifting around at her own leisure.

You can see in their eyes She is their world.
They gravitate her at a safe distance, watching her every move,ready to pounce into action should she need it. And I find myself copying their actions.

'Try this' She thrusts a red bejewelled headband into my hands.
'Okay' I place it in my hair carefully and then twist my body to accomodate her gaze.

She smiles at me and an understanding passes between us.

I envy her wealth and she in turn envies my freedom.

She picks up 6 of the headbands I am wearing and thrusts them all onto my desk.
'I'll take them all' She decides out aloud, beckoning her Handbag Servant. At £45 a piece they aint cheap but i'm not complaining I've hit my target in one exhilirating exchange.

She pays, orders her Handbag Servant to stay behind and collect the goods and exits the same way she entered.

I'm emotionally exhausted.

x

Modern Day Hero's

In this shit day and age I have only three living people I admire and aspire to be like...

John Robb- for Being so recognisably JB and for being a Father figure. He scares the Hell out of me into getting my ass into gear.




Zombina- for living the Dream, being a girl in the music industry, being secure in herself & not being bitchy. (It can be done!)



The Mystery Journalist- He pops up in random places, introduces us to people, looks out for us and writes nice articles.Our Gaurdian Angel. Yet we don't know his name nor his face?

x

Arab Season

4 Resin headbands,2 Bandeaus, 3 claw clips, 4 hair slides
=£780

Fuck off!
I wanted to reach up from behind the counter and slap her accross the face, scream insults, shake an expression into her otherwise bored face.

You have a butch female security guard, stupid teenage friends, crisp Red 50's casually kept in a roll.

What more do you want?

How do you justify spending nearly a grand on a few hair accessories?
Do you know how the other half live?
Do you have any concept of the value of money, and what it can buy?

"In your next life Taz" reassures A

No thanks. I think I'll pass on Riches if it means constantly walking around with a face like THAT.

x

Self-inflicted Exile

(Impending pictures)

Wretched
1. In a deplorable state of distress or misfortune; miserable: "the wretched prisoners huddling in the stinking cages" (George Orwell).
2. Characterized by or attended with misery or woe: a wretched life.
3. Of a poor or mean character; dismal: a wretched building.
4. Contemptible; despicable: wretched treatment of the patients.
5. Of very inferior quality: wretched

There's not enough hours in the day to do the things I want to do before I leave, every minute is scheduled with people and places I have to see before I go.

I can't explain why I feel so wretched at the moment, I found out the Hacienda is opening again at the end of the month. This is a Momentous occasion for the Manchester music scene and I'm not going to be there to witness it, I feel like already I am out of the loop. This city doesn't wait for anyone.

Being a street urchin, this city has bought me up and taught me valuable lessons. These streets were my playground for so long, I know them like the fine lines on my palm. Being Mancunian isn't just a label or a crappy accent, its a swagger in a young mans walk, it's the belief you can do anything you want, it's where even the lower dregs of society can have a voice, its the confidence in knowing you belong to an impressive history.

I can't find the words as to what I am feeling right now, I want to undo everything. Undo! Undo goddammit! I wish there was a ctrl Z button for life choices.

x

Now she's in Purple Now she's a Turtle.

Kevin from the tatoo parlour at work made this card for me and I nearly cried, he thinks my leaving party isn't well advertised. I just want to tell the people closest to me and if they care enough to remember and turn up.Great.If not, they obviously didn't care enough. And typical of Kevin he manages to insult me simultaneously. Emo is his nickname for me because he knows I'm alternative but can't quite manage to place what subculture, I've explained DandyPunk but he can't seem to grasp the idea. Besides that would kill the fun of actually being able to piss me off.

Second I got a late Christmas card from D at work, I didn't read it until she'd gone home. It read:

"Merry Christmas and Hanukah too! (she's Jewish)

Thank you for always being so happy and sweet and being able to make everyone smile. Stay as beautiful and kind as you are now always. Good Luck with everything"

and again I nearly cried, I always imagine no-one notices or appreciates the attention I pay to other people. I try to talk to everyone at work regardless of who they are and manage to find a common ground through making clumsy jokes.

I get a shock when people say they've seen me around or spotted me somewhere because in my head I'm Inconspicuous/ always the Observer not the observed.

B said she was going to miss me because "Your a character" I was touched, we have special people at work that everyone notices because they are 'characters' this could be good or bad. I like the idea of bad, that title lingers on for much longer.

My last dress as a uniform is Purple.

x

NY

Highs

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Lows

The DJ-for playing my song, intelligent drunken conversation, our mock fight "Right step outside!" and the ruffling of hair (flirting).

Him- a spoken goodbye, a parting gift, a pat on the cheek. Mmmmm broad back, warm scent and stubble.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Jealousy its a Garish outfit...but hey!

Don't worry. You wear it quite well.

Your easily replaceable. It amuses me when you joke ever so lightly about it. Especially when I see whats happening behind those sad eyes.

x